Chapter 1: Weird People. Weird Things
Chapter 2: “I’m Better Than You”
Chapter 3: A Peek Under the Hood
Chapter 4: Temperament Prep
Chapter 5: Temperament SJ: The Guardians
Chapter 6: Temperament SP: The Artisans
Chapter 7: Temperament NF: The Idealists
Chapter 8: Temperament NT: The Rationals
Chapter 9: The Whole Person
Chapter 10: Getting Better
Dumb Questions
Chapter 1 – Weird People. Weird Things.
In 2012, I was asked to facilitate an MBTI workshop for a couples’ small group at a local church. The class leaders were hoping to create an interactive experience for the 20-plus couples who attended each Wednesday night.
When I’m asked to facilitate a workshop, I first try to uncover the real reason behind it. Team building activities are often attempts to fix dysfunction, much like date nights are often a remedy for couples who’ve grown apart. But I already knew the reason for this one.
Couples don’t join couples’ small groups unless at least one person in the couple thinks there’s a problem.
And since this was a church group, I also knew nobody would be willing to admit they had a shitty relationship. But you know. I’ve seen them.
I’ve sat in them. Against my will. And yet I sat.
One half of the couple talks happily with others while the other are nearby, nodding approvingly with that smile. That tense, I’d rather be prepping for a colonoscopy than be here smile because they’d give anything just to go outside and look at their phone, much the way people used to yearn for a smoke a few years ago.
And NOT have talk about their feelings.
Of course, the root issue in most shitty relationships is a breakdown in communication. And it’s not just the inability to talk. It’s the breakdown of nonverbal communication as well. What we see adds meaning to what we aren’t hearing.
Now, I’m no relationship expert. And if you think anyone has a perfect relationship, you’re sadly deluded. The people in your circles just hide it better than most. What I do know is that communication breakdowns often stem from misunderstandings, both verbal and nonverbal.
To get the workshop off on the right foot, I asked the group leaders if I could have 15 minutes the Wednesday before the workshop to give instructions before everyone took the MBTI online. I also wanted to run a short activity. They agreed.
The following Wednesday evening, I introduced myself and handed each person a 3x5 index card. I told them to write down the most annoying thing their spouse did, fold the card in half, and give it to me. Nobody had to stop and think. Pens immediately started moving, and within a few minutes I had 40 cards.
I told them what to expect the following week and left.
When I got home, I transcribed the cards onto a flip chart. It was an impressive list.
Here are a few:
· Doesn’t listen.
· Doesn’t communicate enough.
· Completely anal about completing the simplest tasks.
· Doesn’t help enough around the house.
· Spends too much time working.
· Doesn’t show affection.
· Takes me for granted.
· Avoids difficult conversations.
· Spends too much time on hobbies, sports, gaming, or screens.
· Criticizes me too much.
· Always wants to talk about their feelings
· Talks to me like a child in front of my friends.
· Doesn’t appreciate me.
· Wants to talk when I want to decompress.
· Brings up old issues repeatedly.
· Constantly runs us late.
· Controls too much.
· Compares me to other people.
· Is emotionally unpredictable.
None of these were new to me. I’d done this activity before. The key isn’t collecting the complaints. The key is doing something meaningful with them.
When I entered the room the following Wednesday, it was buzzing with anticipation. I had everyone’s MBTI results and would hand them out at the end of the session.
We reviewed the basics and then broke into groups for four interactive activities. People were grouped with others who shared their preferences in the various dichotomies. Don’t worry, I’ll explain what that means in a bit.
The activities went exactly as planned. Lots of aha moments. Lots of spouses saying, “See? I told you so.”
And then came the big moment.
As everyone returned to their seats, I pulled out the flip chart. I crossed my fingers, hoping a riot wouldn’t break out.
“I’ve gone through and transcribed those 3x5 cards onto this flip chart. There is no particular order. The goal here is NOT to guess who wrote them. You probably already know. The goal is to understand which of these behaviors may be the result of someone simply being true to their Type without realizing how frustrating it is to their spouse.”
We went through the list.
Most of the items had a reasonable explanation. Their spouse wasn’t trying to annoy them. They were simply being themselves and wondering why that wasn’t enough.
Of course, not all bad behavior can be explained away by Type. There is never a reason to talk to your spouse like a child in front of their friends. Never.
But for much of the rest, knowledge matters.
Understanding grows from knowledge.
Empathy grows from understanding.
And better communication and behavior grow from empathy.
I handed out the results and the room was silent for a moment as each person read the report. Then there were murmurs. Then talk. Then loud talk and laughter. Soon, I was surrounded by a group of people who rapid-fired questions at me. What they learned wasn’t what they and their spouse did. They learned why. And now they wanted to know how to use that knowledge to improve their relationships.
I don’t know what happened to the couples in that workshop. But I’d bet at least one couple is divorced today. And it may be because they discovered they were so fundamentally different that love alone wasn’t enough to keep things together.
That’s harsh, but MBTI isn’t the Ozempic of relationships. It doesn’t magically fix anything.
It simply shines a light on what’s already there.
On the other hand, I’d also bet there are a few couples who communicate much better today because they finally had a language for what they didn’t understand. And once they understood, they developed empathy.
There are plenty of bad people in this world. Type doesn’t explain that away, nor should it.
But there are far more good people.
It just doesn’t seem that way because very few people are like us. Or think like us.
Yet we all share a common language: personality.
And that language crosses age, gender, religion, and nationality.
I’ve facilitated MBTI workshops all over the USA and abroad. I’ve done them in Nashville, Tennessee, and in Shanghai, China. The only meaningful difference in the Type group breakdowns was that one group was Chinese, and one was American. If you removed the names from the reports, you’d never know which was which.
If you’re a bad person, I can’t help you.
But if you want to become the best version of yourself at work and at home, this book is for you. The assessment is for you.
The hard work is for you, too.
Knowing doesn’t fix anything.
Doing does.
And doing is the hard part.
But first, we need to understand how this whole personality Type thing works.
